Selfish v. Unselfish

I admit that wanting to have another child is mostly for selfish reasons. I have always loved children, and years ago knew I wanted at least two, maybe more. Well, the window of opportunity is slowly closing on having even one more, but I am still hanging onto that dream as long as I feel it's reasonable. My new joke is that my biological clock stopped working a while back, and I'm so old now that I'm hearing my geological clock. So that's one reason: fulfilling old dreams.

Another one is because I want to experience the magic of childbirth and those first months of caring for a tiny baby again. It may sound corny, but after the birth of my son I really did think, "Wow, this is why I've been put on this earth-to do this". And even though those first 6 months are harder than anything in life, they are also so wonderful and sweet that I am just dying to go through it again. This is REALLY selfish on my part, since having even one child at my age was truly a gift, maybe even a miracle.

Now, here's where things get debatable. I consider this to be an unselfish reason, but I'm sure someone could make the argument that it's also selfish. I really want my son to have a sibling to help him get through tough times in this sometimes crazy and cruel world. Because my husband and I are older, I wonder if there will be times in his life that he'll need us and we will have already departed from this world. Having a brother, I know how good it feels to know there's someone out there with the same flesh and blood as you. Someone that you could hopefully rely on in a crisis, or even for things like helping you move, or giving advice about changing careers or relationships. I feel this very strongly because I truly believe that it's going to get tougher and tougher to live life in this messed up world, with economic woes and global warming problems basically taking over daily life. It's already happening.

And finally, my last reason is because I think I'm a really good parent. Maybe I will raise a child (or children) that can help to clean up the mess that the world seems to be heading in. This seems unselfish to me, in a cocky but hopeful sort of way.

So there are my honest-to-goodness reasons for wanting another child.

A love life, or lack thereof

I'd always from couples with children that once you have kids, your romance level drops to an almost flat-line state. And of course, it's true. I blame fatigue. No matter how high my good intentions are to save a little energy for my husband at the end of the day, when our two hours of relaxation time come each evening I'm only up for mind numbing television or three pages of a book before I pass out. This really saddens me, because my husband and I were a very romantic couple throughout our courtship and first year of marriage. I didn't think "the curse" would happen to us.

We are trying to have a date night once a month to have some of that lovely feeling back, but even then thoughts creep in like, "Did the kid go to sleep ok?" and "I sure would like to get a good night's sleep. Maybe we should head on home". I've been making more of an effort to not let that happen, and try to totally enjoy being with my husband for an evening. Even if we stay out late - damn the groggy and cranky experience we'll have the next day! Is being groggy and cranky really that awful? The thing is, it's just a fact that your whole psyche is changed, and you can really never go back to the carefree, slightly wreckless time BK (before kid).

I'm afraid that if I don't make some effort to find some semblance of that time, our lives will be so humdrum and routine that we will lose ourselves forever.

Sadness

I'm so sad tonight. Part of it is PMS, which also means I'm not pregnant this month. But it's mostly because my little boy is not a baby anymore. He threw a temper tantrum tonight while trying to go to sleep, which is very unusual for him. He got himself so worked up that he was coughing and sputtering like he couldn't breath. I finally couldn't take it anymore. I warmed him some milk and let him sit in my lap to drink it, then rocked him until he was totally calm again. While rocking I realized there's already so much I can't remember about his baby days and nights.

I can't remember what it felt like to hold his little newborn body, when he was still small enough to hold sideways in the rocker. The very stressful days of trying to breastfeed, when I couldn't keep up with my 9+ pound hungry boy. The sadness of finally giving in and giving him formula after only 6 weeks. It's all such a blur now. The swaddling so he couldn't move and wake himself up, still in the bassinet in our bedroom. The very first days of the crib in his room. He slept well, but I didn't do so hot. The first time we let him sleep on his tummy, with both of us worried sick about all the things they warn you about. All of it is already like it happened in another lifetime a long time ago. And he's only 18-months old.

I SO want to be able to experience all of it again. This is greedy on my part, I realize. I never thought I was going to be able to have any kids at all. So this one is such a gift, and a little miracle, considering the miscarriages. But every month, I still get so excited during the last half of my cycle, when I could be pregnant. I want to pray for God to give us just one more of those miracles, and sometimes I do, even though I feel it's selfish to pray for specific things for myself. And then, when I find out that I'm not pregnant, it's another month that goes by and takes me farther away from 40 and closer to 41, another little chunk of hope lost from my heart.

Having a baby was the greatest thing that's ever happened to me, and raising him is the best and most important work I've ever done. Please, please God let me have another (healthly and happy) one.

I'm too young for menopause

The line on the ovulation test strip has shown up for three days now, which really isn't supposed to happen. It makes me visualize that the egg is hanging just on the edge of my ovary but can't decide it if wants to fall out or not. And my temperature still hasn't spiked, which adds credibility to my theory. What the heck is going on?

I love my husband very much, but the thought of trying again tonight is making me a little edgy. I really want to watch our Netflix movie.

Don't say the word "schooner" around me, please

I have been either trying to get pregnant, trying to recover from a miscarriage, actually pregnant, or recovering from pregnancy for the last three years. Sometimes I'm ok about it, sometimes it gets to be a huge chore. Having suffered three miscarriages, two before my son was born and one after, I know what it feels like to get your hopes up and start planning for the miracle of birth, only to have your hopes and dreams smashed into a million pieces. Of course, the loss after my son was born was no comparison to the first two when he wasn't around yet. It was still a very sad time, but I had this vibrant and healthy little boy to focus on. One day I want to write a book about miscarriage. It's such an unspoken horror even to this day, and I think women could greatly benefit from hearing other women's stories.

It gets to be a little tedious, checking my temperature every morning, peeing on the ovulation strip during the "prime time" each month. Only having sex two or three times a month, and always late at night and in the same way, with legs up in the air for 20 minutes afterwards while my husband watches the clock and my spine reminds me how old I am. THAT is definitely getting old. But I'll go through alot to have another little miracle, and for my son to have a sibling in this mean old world we've brought him into.

I try to read about anything concerning fertility and how diet, exercise, caffeine, or whatever can affect mine. I'm trying a combination this time of 1) yoga to improve fertility, 2) diet that includes whole milk products, lots of fruits, vegetables and nuts, and 3) total avoidance of caffeine. Sometimes I want a diet coke so bad I could just die. This time I'm allowing myself 1/2 glasses of wine once or twice a week, whereas the first time I drank no alcohol. But sometimes I want a cold Shiner so bad I could just spit. I actually visualize the ice cold schooner, and me greedily gulping the dark liquid down. It's almost sexual, my want and need for that beer. But I don't give in. I figure one day I'll have plenty of time for that, if I don't get hit by a bus or something. Obviously, I could give in during the time of the month that I know I'm not pregnant, but I'm afraid I wouldn't want to turn back. Once the Shiner faucet gets turned on, there's no turning it back off. I'm German, after all.

I guess we'll keep trying until I turn 42, good God Almighty.

Why I need a nap every day

Because I'm 40 years old and trying to chase around an almost-18-month-old. And because I'm a stay-at-home Mom and I can't make ends meet financially right now. And because I want to have another baby, even though I'm scared to death my eggs are all too old. Especially since the baby I have came out perfect, even though I was 39 when I delivered, so the odds are against that happening again. And I wonder where we'll get the money for another one, when we are barely scraping by while I stay home with this one.

Every day when my son goes down for his nap, somewhere around 1 or 1:30, I lay down for thirty minutes. Some days it's even less, but never more. I don't allow myseft THAT much luxury. But my small toes-up keeps me going through the rest of the day. And I guess helps me stay positive through all the worries floating around in my head. When I play with my son, I mean really sit down and focus all attention on him and him alone, those worries completely disappear. Which tells me I should do that more often.

But now I have to stop typing, and go wake him up. The two hours is up!