Don't say the word "schooner" around me, please

I have been either trying to get pregnant, trying to recover from a miscarriage, actually pregnant, or recovering from pregnancy for the last three years. Sometimes I'm ok about it, sometimes it gets to be a huge chore. Having suffered three miscarriages, two before my son was born and one after, I know what it feels like to get your hopes up and start planning for the miracle of birth, only to have your hopes and dreams smashed into a million pieces. Of course, the loss after my son was born was no comparison to the first two when he wasn't around yet. It was still a very sad time, but I had this vibrant and healthy little boy to focus on. One day I want to write a book about miscarriage. It's such an unspoken horror even to this day, and I think women could greatly benefit from hearing other women's stories.

It gets to be a little tedious, checking my temperature every morning, peeing on the ovulation strip during the "prime time" each month. Only having sex two or three times a month, and always late at night and in the same way, with legs up in the air for 20 minutes afterwards while my husband watches the clock and my spine reminds me how old I am. THAT is definitely getting old. But I'll go through alot to have another little miracle, and for my son to have a sibling in this mean old world we've brought him into.

I try to read about anything concerning fertility and how diet, exercise, caffeine, or whatever can affect mine. I'm trying a combination this time of 1) yoga to improve fertility, 2) diet that includes whole milk products, lots of fruits, vegetables and nuts, and 3) total avoidance of caffeine. Sometimes I want a diet coke so bad I could just die. This time I'm allowing myself 1/2 glasses of wine once or twice a week, whereas the first time I drank no alcohol. But sometimes I want a cold Shiner so bad I could just spit. I actually visualize the ice cold schooner, and me greedily gulping the dark liquid down. It's almost sexual, my want and need for that beer. But I don't give in. I figure one day I'll have plenty of time for that, if I don't get hit by a bus or something. Obviously, I could give in during the time of the month that I know I'm not pregnant, but I'm afraid I wouldn't want to turn back. Once the Shiner faucet gets turned on, there's no turning it back off. I'm German, after all.

I guess we'll keep trying until I turn 42, good God Almighty.