Sadness

I'm so sad tonight. Part of it is PMS, which also means I'm not pregnant this month. But it's mostly because my little boy is not a baby anymore. He threw a temper tantrum tonight while trying to go to sleep, which is very unusual for him. He got himself so worked up that he was coughing and sputtering like he couldn't breath. I finally couldn't take it anymore. I warmed him some milk and let him sit in my lap to drink it, then rocked him until he was totally calm again. While rocking I realized there's already so much I can't remember about his baby days and nights.

I can't remember what it felt like to hold his little newborn body, when he was still small enough to hold sideways in the rocker. The very stressful days of trying to breastfeed, when I couldn't keep up with my 9+ pound hungry boy. The sadness of finally giving in and giving him formula after only 6 weeks. It's all such a blur now. The swaddling so he couldn't move and wake himself up, still in the bassinet in our bedroom. The very first days of the crib in his room. He slept well, but I didn't do so hot. The first time we let him sleep on his tummy, with both of us worried sick about all the things they warn you about. All of it is already like it happened in another lifetime a long time ago. And he's only 18-months old.

I SO want to be able to experience all of it again. This is greedy on my part, I realize. I never thought I was going to be able to have any kids at all. So this one is such a gift, and a little miracle, considering the miscarriages. But every month, I still get so excited during the last half of my cycle, when I could be pregnant. I want to pray for God to give us just one more of those miracles, and sometimes I do, even though I feel it's selfish to pray for specific things for myself. And then, when I find out that I'm not pregnant, it's another month that goes by and takes me farther away from 40 and closer to 41, another little chunk of hope lost from my heart.

Having a baby was the greatest thing that's ever happened to me, and raising him is the best and most important work I've ever done. Please, please God let me have another (healthly and happy) one.